Glossary

Aberrant Relationship defined by the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “different from the usual or natural type”.

Act utilitarianism is the form of utilitarianism that says right acts are those which individually do the greatest good for the greatest number.

The classic antagonistic mother-in-law, daughter-in-law conflict where each demands mutually exclusive behavior of the son/husband.

Attraction involves wanting to be in contact with another person in some manner or other to some degree, whether in proximity or in communication with them.

Aversion involves to some degree not wanting to be in contact with another person.

Being good “to” someone does not necessarily just mean serving (in the sense of waiting on) them, meeting their needs or desires, pampering them, or giving them things they want, but it may also mean helping them develop their worthwhile potential.

Care and concern are actions that promote or preserve well-being and satisfaction of another, regardless of whether they are accompanied or brought about by care and concern or not.

Commitment demands at least the reasonable attempt to make one’s marriage better by improving the relationship, not by changing partners.

Communication involves a conventional mutually understood (even if imperfectly on various occasions) means of trying to convey ideas or information from one person to another, through some kind of language or symbolism or gestures that have common meaning.  Communication is a complex concept, which distinguishes it from sex.

Consequentialist (also called ‘teleological’) principles and theories of ethics are those which hold that the overall good or harm of consequences are what make acts right or wrong.

The emotional aspect of relationships refers to feelings involving the other person, particularly, but not only, feelings of attraction or aversion for another person and will be explained in greater detail in subsequent chapters.

Emotional sexual incompatibility are cases where, say, one person wants tender caresses and the other person is not capable of tenderness in touch; or one likes to kiss hard, and the other gently; one likes to hug and cuddle and the other doesn’t; one might like to have an important conversation along with touching and making love and is intellectually stimulated by the physical closeness, whereas the other does not like to talk during and just wants to roll over and quietly go to sleep afterward; or where afterward one is very accepting of however it was and the other wants to do a running commentary, or give a verbal critique or grade.

Eros (as defined by Rollo May) “is the binding element par excellence. It is the bridge between being and becoming, and it binds fact and value together. Eros, in short, is the original creative force of Hesiod now transmuted into power which is both ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ the person.”

Ethical aspect of relationships refers to how good or bad, and how right or wrong for one or both people any given act in a relationship is or how good or bad for either or both the relationship in general is.  Chapters 25 and 26 give a detailed explanation about ethics and ethical principles.

Ethical Egoism is the principle that everyone should act in their own best interest.

Ethical hedonism is the principle that everyone should seek their own greatest happiness, satisfaction, pleasure, contentment.

Faithfulness seems to be a question related to ethics more than only to love.

To feel guilty in a relationship is to feel you have intentionally done something wrong with no excuse and to regret having done it.

Feeling fear of being caught may have nothing to do with your feeling you are doing anything wrong nor with remorse, but may have to do simply with fear that others who might discover you would disapprove and invoke a penalty or humiliation for your action.

A fleeting sexual experience may be seen as just a fleeting physical gratification.

People with good “character” — something which often requires conscientiousness and some personal sacrifice to earn and to keep — should be appreciated and respected for that character.

A half-expectation or half-desire is the sort of wanting of something that one might not realize one wants as much as they do or would enjoy as much as they would (or find disappointing or upsetting to be thwarted or unfulfilled) but which is fairly obvious to other people who know them well, or that they themselves after finding the want met or thwarted realizes how important it is or has been to them.

An incapacitating type of dependence is where one person is unable to function in some sort of normal way without the other’s companionship or direction.

It may be easier to view intentional actions as either ethical actions or potentially ethical actions.

Further evidence for the independence of feelings from what is enjoyable or unenjoyable and from what is good or bad are the dual phenomena of (1) having different feelings toward people from whom you may get the same satisfactions or dissatisfactions and (2) getting the same kinds of feelings from people who give you satisfactions or dissatisfactions that are different.

Indifference involves not caring whether one is around the other person or not, in any particular form or, for any particular purpose.

Infatuation is a romantic attraction without sufficient goodness or satisfaction in the relationship to qualify as being love.

Justified self-confidence and, some indifference to ignorant prejudice, can make people be more attractive to others.

Love at first sight may be defined as attraction at first sight. The attraction may be that of love — the same attraction may remain as the relationship develops and bestows its unfolding benefits and blessings — but that cannot be known right away. For the relationship might not hold or develop sufficient joy to warrant being called love; and the attraction, whether it lingers or fades, will only then have been infatuation at first sight.

Love can be said to involve feelings, joys, and good ethical qualities.

Love changing  suggests that there are a number of ways to satisfy a person more — (1) doing more things that are satisfying, (2) doing the same (number of) things but in a more satisfying way, or (3) satisfying them in more areas of psychological significance or importance (meaningfulness) to them, (4) satisfying them more deeply in such areas, or (5) any combination of the above, without some equal or greater decrease in one or more of them.

The phrases “making love” and “having sexual intercourse” are intransitive or at least reciprocal verbs describing a reciprocal or mutual activity.

A marriage vow is essentially a promise; and promises, just because they are made, bestow an obligation on you to try to keep them; that is the point of them. Marriage vows do not say “love, honor, and cherish till death do us part, forty thousand miles, or the first sign of problems, whichever comes first”.

Meaningful applies to experiences or relationships perceived as profoundly important to one at the time by meeting a felt need or by making a felt difference for the better in a way that is important to the person at that time.

A “meshing” or “fit”…a meshing of qualities. Once two people, whose characteristics so luckily happen to mesh, find each other, changing circumstances may alter the fit.

Non-consequentialist (also called deontological) principles and theories of ethics are those which hold that things other than consequences are what make acts right or wrong.

Personal relationships are those in which acts generally are not based on business or commercial transactions or on the profession of one or more participants.

One may realize that present satisfaction is due only to temporary circumstances and that when those circumstances change, so to, may the joy the relationship brings.

Psychological Egoism is the view that everyone does act in their own perceived best interest and cannot do otherwise.

Psychological hedonism is the view that everyone does act to maximize their own greatest happiness and cannot do otherwise.

Professional relationships are those involving acts done as part of at least one person’s business, even if one does not charge money for it.  It often involves acts requiring a licensed professional.

Reasonably stable environments and circumstances can help relationships remain stable. Reasonably stable environments do not mean ones that are monotonous, stagnating, and unchanging, but instead, refer to environments without drastic changes that would be difficult for almost anyone to cope with and adjust to.

Romantically meaning the general sense of romance, whether it is accompanied by excited passion or not.

Rule utilitarianism is the form of utilitarianism that says right acts are those which conform to the rules that do the greatest good for the greatest number even if the individual act does not do the most good for the most people.

The satisfaction/dissatisfaction aspect refers to how enjoyable or dissatisfying given times or acts in the relationship are for either or both partners or how satisfying or dissatisfying the relationship is in general for either or both and will be explained in greater detail in subsequent chapters.

Sex in the context of this book may refer not just to intercourse, but to any sort of physical contact usually associated with physical/emotional desire: passionate or romantic kissing, holding hands, hugging.  In specific contexts it may be about intercourse or at least genital manipulation/contact of various kinds.

Sexually and emotionally mutually satisfying intercourse frequently tends to require patience and understanding.

Soppy dependence refers to a relationship in which one person’s life, goals, work, and happiness depend on another person’s, rather than on anything they themselves seek, strive for, or achieve on their own.  This can occur from a personal relationship (such as in a marriage), from the goals of an employer or supervisor in a workplace, or from the general culture.

Spontaneity is only an enviable trait when it makes doing what is right also interesting, fun and desirable, not when it makes a mindless fool a slave to impulse. And ethical principles correctly allow spontaneity when they allow the satisfaction of the right desires, stifle the wrong ones, and when they do not require untimely deliberation that itself destroys the desires when they arise — untimely deliberation that should have been done previously.

STD is the accepted abbreviation for sexually transmitted diseases.

Feelings, emotions, attractions are not necessarily “subtractive” — that is, having some for one person does not take away from some finite amount of them so that you have less available for others.

A “supererogatory” or “saintly” or “beyond the call of duty” act if, it is a right act; but is not a right act if it can be called required or obligatory or a duty or moral obligation. Such an act might be one of sacrifice like throwing oneself on a grenade to save one’s friends. It might be one of giving an exceedingly large charitable donation.

Unrequited love is being loved by those who excite no passion in you.

Utilitarianism is the principle that all acts should do what causes the greatest good for the greatest number of people.

Sometimes what a person means by wanting to be loved is that they want to be liked, appreciated, and respected, for their basic values, principles, ideals, goals, and the things they believe in and the way they behave in general even though they may not be actively pursuing any of those goals or values at a particular time.

 

 

 

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Glossary Copyright © 2017 by Richard Garlikov. All Rights Reserved.

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